Today I had to stand up for myself & tell the guy who I am in love with — but who doesn’t love me — goodbye. This is what I wrote:
I know that I am the last person you want to hear from, but I just need to say this: for whatever reason I fell for you and despite all of the bullshit & all of the drama — all I ever want to do is be part of your life & make you happy. I want to know your thoughts, dreams, pain, disappointments — I want to see you happy & alive. I want to comfort you & take care of you. I want to make you laugh & have fun. I want to know your habits, routines & quirks. All of this angst & drama — pretty much everything that you think I am — is a direct result of my feelings for you and me trying not to have them because you have made it very clear how you see me. So I push & pull and try to hate you but I can’t and then I get mad at myself and all of the drama ensues…. And so the me that you know is only a small piece of who I am and that breaks my heart because your opinion of me is based upon the crazy bit of me instead of the 99% rest of me. And I have to deal with that.
I see in you myself & the pain that I went/go through. Maybe I want to fix you or prove to you that you are a fantastic person who deserves love & happiness. I cannot figure out why i am so drawn to you — I am an idiot for you and would probably give anything to be with you — even be with you knowing that i mean nothing to you. I will put up with just about anything & deal with anything to have even a tiny chance to be the one that makes you happy. The one that gets to be a part of your life —
the problem is and has been that I have never been it for you. I have never been “the one.” whatever. Every time we talk or see each other I end up disappointed and fall for you a little more yet I keep coming back for more. A masochist for your attention. I know you are looking for that spark, that takes your breath away feeling - aren’t we all? but i think it only happens once or twice a lifetime and that relationships that last are build on friendship, respect & adoration. I had my sparks. I fell in love and my heart was shattered. I’m. not sure if it will ever be the same. I know that i have never been the same. Maybe to you I am just some girl who makes you feel good about yourself when you need it. I don’t know nor do I really want to know,but I will say this— the choice is always yours, my feelings will never change but I will not-can not- accept less than i give to you. I would give it all to you if you asked. I would deal with your past, your fears, your hang-ups — I would make you happy. But for all that i would give you, I still come in second place. No matter what, always the runner up. You would rather be with an ex who hurt you or try to meet someone new than ever consider me. make your choices, live your life but unless you are ready to make me a priority — even as a friend — leave me out of it. I cannot act strong or indifferent anymore — i cannot listen as you try to find love with anyone — or everyone but me. no matter how much i adore you, i cannot feel this much sadness & loneliness anymore. I cannot hope & wait & pray that you will notice me. That you will pick me. I had to let you know where I stand and how I feel, even if it doesn’t matter to you. I will leave you alone now. But you have my number, I will not be rude or ignore you but I will not contact you. please remember when you are feeling low & the world has been harsh & cruel — that there is someone who adores you & who thinks the world of you somewhere out there. Someone who will always care about you.
It sucks when you have to break your own heart.